I’ve read some things online recently. I’m not willing to comment on things. But it leads to another subject, which seems to be discussed quite a lot.
Toxicity… We’re not talking about chemicals here. Nor even social media.
I’ve stumbled on discussions about “What is a real man ?”, “What kind of man do we need ?”. Which is kind of a vague question, as the answer is defined by who we are as a person, but also mainly as our background, our culture, what we were taught.
I have been quite horrified and a bit bothered by things people said recently, while these things were told in a way which seems to be positive and genuine from these people’s point of view. It’s what you call “a cultural shock”, I guess. I’m probably your typical French girl, with a bit of influence from Chinese culture as well, as I’ve stayed here for a while now. Feminist and proud. And obsessed with food. Ha. This is how we seem to be described by people from other countries.
Now, everything is subjective. So here is only my opinion, which was probably forged by my cultural background. I think it’s important to avoid toxicity. If you have to be your “defensive self”, feel like you have to scream or “be tough” in order to be heard, then run, fast, and never look back. This is, in my opinion, the very first sign that a relationship/encounter is toxic. It never gets better. It doesn’t mean the person is a bad person, maybe it’s just bad chemistry between the 2 of you. Relationships between people are complex things science only can’t explain. How you feel around someone cannot be explained rationally, and you can’t help it. The only thing you can do, is run away, when things are toxic. Go somewhere else, find someone else.
I believe that we should aim to find someone who makes us feel comfortable enough to be our true selves, to never feel the need to be our “defensive self”, someone who makes you feel they’re listening, without the need to scream. Someone who understands you, or at least tries their best to understand you. Someone that makes you know they’re here, they’re listening, that you have their attention, without trying. Caring. Someone who truly makes you feel loved. Without effort.
I maintain what I said before : love is not something you deserve or earn. Love doesn’t have rules. Either you love someone or not. There is no “I would love this person if they changed”, this is a lie. Love is not something you can moderate. Lust is not love. You can have lust towards people “only if they change their looks”, I guess. But not love. You either love someone or not. Nothing can change that. You can’t make someone love you. And you shouldn’t try to change who you are in order to be loved. Because even if it worked, then they would love a character, a mirage.
I also believe that if it feels like you’re playing games, that your inner sociopath has been awoken, then it’s lust. It’s not love. Toying around vs deeply caring. This is different. Very often, lust is depicted as love. This is wrong, in the sense it’s different, it’s not the same thing. You might genuinely care about people you have lust for, but it’s just not love. And you might also have lust towards people you don’t really get along with or with who you would just have nothing in common and would be bored together otherwise. In the contrary, you can also deeply love someone, without feeling lust at all. Things should always remain clear, in my opinion. About which is which, to avoid anyone to be hurt by expectations.
However, I believe that either way, if someone makes you feel aggressive, that you have to toughen yourself, that you can’t be relaxed enough to be your loving/soft self, it’s a sign of toxicity. Think about it. What is the underlying reason here ? The end of the sentence ? “You feel the need to be tough/aggressive….because otherwise you would be crushed.” There you go. Facing the truth. Facing the reason why you feel the need to act a certain way. And realise the situation. Why would you want to be in a situation that makes you fell the person wants to crush/hurt you ? Run, find yourself someone who makes you feel they want to hug you, pamper you, make you feel like a loved kitty. Do you want to feel like a loved kitty who’s being cared of or like a screaming cat with claws out as you need to protect yourselves ? This is as simple as that.
The same can happen in non-relationship kind of interactions with others. If you have a choice, then stay away as well. Remove yourself from this kind of environment or see your true self deeply changed, tainted by the toxicity.